Skip to contentTATEMAE & HONNE: THE SECRETS TO UNDERSTANDING JAPAN’S SOCIAL NORMS
Japan’s social codes and the mysterious Tatemae & Honne were some of my favorite things to learn about. Here’s a fun take on what I discovered—so you won’t be lost in translation!
Japan is one of my absolute favorite countries to travel to. There’s something about its culture that fascinates me every time I visit. The way people interact, the deep sense of respect for others, and how everything just… flows so smoothly. It’s almost like an unspoken magic trick that keeps society running in perfect harmony.
But here’s the catch: that harmony doesn’t just happen on its own. It’s carefully maintained through a fascinating (and sometimes confusing for foreigners) social code called Tatemae (建前) and Honne (本音). If you don’t know about it, you might find yourself completely lost in certain situations—like when someone tells you “That sounds great! We should totally do it sometime!” and then… it never happens. Welcome to the world of Tatemae and Honne.
WHAT IS TATEMAE & HONNE?
Let’s break it down:
– Honne (本音) → Your true thoughts, feelings, and opinions. The raw, unfiltered version of what you actually think.
–Tatemae (建前) → The polished, socially acceptable version of your thoughts that keeps everything pleasant and conflict-free.
It’s like when someone asks, “Do you like my new haircut?” and even if you think it looks like a disaster, you smile and say, “It really suits you!” That’s Tatemae. Meanwhile, Honne is screaming inside, “What have you done!?”.
In Japan, people switch between these two modes effortlessly. It’s not lying—it’s just a way to maintain social balance and avoid unnecessary awkwardness. And trust me, when you have 124.5 million people living on a relatively small island, keeping things smooth is absolutely essential!
WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT IN JAPAN?
Imagine you’re packed into a rush-hour train in Tokyo, pressed against strangers like sardines in a can. Nobody is talking loudly, nobody is pushing—everyone is just silently enduring it. In many other countries, this situation would be absolute chaos, but in Japan, people are incredibly considerate of others.
That’s because in a society with so many people sharing the same space, being polite isn’t just nice—it’s necessary for survival. You don’t want to be that person making things uncomfortable for everyone else. So, Tatemae exists to keep things running smoothly and prevent social conflicts.
And it works! Every time I visit Japan, I feel so at ease. There are rarely any issues with anyone, and people are always incredibly helpful. It’s a level of respect for others that makes traveling there an absolute joy.
THE ART OF “READING THE AIR”
Since people in Japan don’t always say what they really mean out loud, there’s an extra skill involved: reading the air. For me it was particularly hard since in my culture we are pretty much straight forward.
This basically means paying attention to tone, body language, and subtle hints. If someone hesitates before answering or gives a vague response, they might be using Tatemae to avoid saying “no” directly. So, instead of pushing for a clear answer, you learn to pick up on the signs and move on.
Sometimes, for the Japanese, we come across as too intense because we don’t pick up on these signals quickly and can be “pushy” by repeatedly asking when we’re meeting up, etc. But that’s because they’re not very clear with us when they respond.
In my culture, if someone says they have a busy schedule, we usually try to find a day that works to meet up. However, when Japanese people say this, they might actually be trying to avoid making plans. Among themselves, they understand these nuances, but for us, it’s not as easy to pick up on.
The funny (and slightly tragic) part? If you don’t catch on fast enough, some people will just ghost you. I’ve heard plenty of stories of foreigners getting blocked on social media for insisting too much. Not out of malice, but simply because confrontation is uncomfortable, and for them, avoidance is the easier route.
TATEMAE & HONNE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you’re used to direct communication, navigating relationships in Japan can feel like trying to read a book with invisible ink. People don’t always express their true feelings outright, especially in the beginning.
But here’s the trick: as trust grows, you start to see more Honne. Close friends and family are the people with whom Japanese people can be their true selves. If a Japanese person starts being more direct with you, you’ve made it into their inner circle.
You can read more about Tatemae and Honne here.
MY THOUGHTS…
At first, when I arrived in Asia, I struggled to understand it. Coming from a Latin background, where we tend to be more direct (sometimes too much), it was confusing to ask a question and get a polite smile and a “hmm… maybe,” which actually meant “not a chance.”
But over time, I started to see the beauty in it. Tatemae isn’t hypocrisy, as it’s sometimes misunderstood from a Western perspective—it’s a tool for social harmony. It’s not that Japanese people don’t have strong opinions or emotions; they’ve just learned to express them at the right time and place. And if you think about it, we do this too—just in a less structured way.
Japan taught me that you don’t always have to say exactly what you think. That sometimes a “yes” wrapped in Tatemae actually means “no,” but in a way that keeps the peace and avoids unnecessary conflict. And that learning to navigate these subtleties doesn’t mean losing authenticity—it just means playing by the rules of a culture that values harmony over direct confrontation.
Most importantly, I believe in respecting different cultures and not assuming that my own is the only valid or correct one. We all come from different societies, which shape the way we are, and none is better than the other—they’re just different. Understanding this makes the world a much more interesting and enriching place!
If you want to know more about what you can do in Japan, check out:
PointsOnTheMap.com
